Darkness and no Light

The sun begins to rise and I can feel the warmth of the sun coming through the window and touching my face. I slowly open my eyes to face another day. I ask myself, will this be the day that all will end? Will this be the day “Being the Change” will take off and more and more people will be able to pass on the good deeds to encourage the “Change” needed in the world today.

I feel over powered with sadness and darkness. Each day seems to become a bit darker and lonelier. I wonder when the pain will end, when will the tears stop falling down my checks. When will I be able to look in the mirror again and see the person I am meant to be?

How do we get the world to “Change”? I fight each day to stay alive, yet I pass on my message as if there is nothing wrong with me. How do I make the pain go away? What will it take to get my life from darkness to light? No one can feel my pain or sadness.

How can I lead the “Change” if I am lost myself? Where will I go from here?

Darkness.... No light!

It's been awhile since I have made an entry in my blog. The sadness and darkness have taken over my life and sadness has set it. I find that it's harder to wake up and to face the day. When will it end? How can this be my life? Where did I go wrong? What did I do to be in this place, so dark, so lonely, so scarey....

I work hard to "Be the Change" and to encourage the change, but how can I do that when I am not feeling like there is a future for me... the end is near. How do I make it come sooner than later.

Noone know's my pain, or the sadness I feel. I'm alone walking through the motions of a life that feels like it is not mine. How did I get here, how do I get out of here... ?

I leave you with one last thought. It's up to you to "Be the Change". If everyone did one kind deed each day, the world would begin to the the "Change" which is so despearately needed.

For now, I leave you, not sure if this will be my last entry or if I will have the strength to continue... Happiness and Hope has seem to been lost.

I ask one favor of all of those who read this... Work toward "Being the Change". If each person passes this on and works toward "Change" the world will become the place we need it to be....

xoxo Douglas

ABC's Brothers & Sister's add's storyline of Lymphoma

One of my favoriate Sunday Evening show's on ABC has written into the storyline that a main character currently has Lymphoma. I have included a clip of when the news was delivered to Kitty. This was a true picture of what it feel's like when the news is delivered... You can watch the entire epsisode at Breaking the News, it was a touching episode.

xoxo Douglas

You can follow me on twitter @danelson239 or @CancerReality, on Facebook at www.facebook.com/buscando239 and on My Space at www.myspace.com/douglas_nelson

"Cancer Reality Sucks - Hospital Stay"

As I laid in the recovery room waiting for the MRI results I could feel myself drifting off to sleep.

A few minutes later the neurologist came over to my bed and said that they did not see anything on the MRI that could explain the numbness and lack of mobility of my arm. So instead of me going home, they decided to admit me to the hospital so that they could monitor my arm and see if I started to gain use of my left arm.

I immediately called the nurse over and said, “HEY, I am being admitted, think you could bring me a CUP of ice chips, a CUP of water, or anything to drink?” She gave me an odd look and replied, “okay”.

It only took about half an hour for them to get me admitted to the hospital and up to a room. I was able to settle in quickly and get another pain pill to ease the pain.

I decided to make my own makeshift stress ball to work on my left arm and try to regain some feeling back. I took a rubber glove and stuffed a washcloth inside.

I began squeezing it as much as I could to try to get the feeling and mobility back in the arm. As I worked at it, I was beginning to regain feeling in my upper arm and was able to grip the makeshift stress ball. I kept at it for hours, knowing that I was not going to stay in the hospital more than one night…

I got no lunch because I missed the lunch delivery, and for some reason, no dinner was ordered for me. Thankfully, my mother was on hand to run and fetch me something to eat.


The rest of the night was uneventful; the highlight of the night was watching the clock for the four hours to pass till the next pill would come for the pain.

I went to sleep early in a hope to get the day over so that tomorrow would come and I could go home. The next morning the neurologist came in and they did some testing of my reflexes on my arm. I had improved some, but only about 50%. They did however decide to discharge me with a follow-up in a week.

I was elated to hear those words, but unfortunately, since the surgeon was the admitting doctor, I had to wait for him to come in to discharge me. I made several calls to his office as well as did the nurse to help expedite my discharge.

At 2pm, the surgeon came in and said that he would fill out the discharge paperwork. I was extremely excited to hear those words. I think I was packed up in about 5 minutes and ready to leave.

I left the hospital quickly and returned home to rest…

Until next time, thanks for following along... Thanks for the support! I hope you are enjoying reading my journey and it has made your day a little bit brighter.

You can follow me on twitter @danelson239 or @CancerReality,
on Facebook at www.facebook.com/buscando239
and on My Space at www.myspace.com/douglas_nelson

xoxo Douglas

WORLD....

"Cancer Reality Sucks - After the Surgery"

"After the Surgery"

I slowly opened my eyes to discover that I was laying in recovery. There was a lot of noise and chatter going on around me. I had a bit of difficulty focusing in on the surrounds. I could hear the nurse talking to me, but I was not sure what she was saying. The familiar sounds of the beeps were behind me. The surgeon came over to my bedside and started asking me questions. I am not sure what they were, but my response must have been funny, because he seemed to get a giggle out of what I was saying.

As I slowly regained consciousness, I remember asking for my Blackberry and iPhone. The nurse quickly denied that request. I guess it's just my first nature, as soon as I wake up; I grab my phones to check e-mail’s and phone messages.

I notice, as I was coming too that I was having difficulty with my left arm. I really couldn't feel my arm. I asked the nurse if that was common and she quickly darted off to get the doctor. They ran a few motor skills tests, which I failed miserably. The doctor asked me to close my eyes and he kept asking me, do you feel this, how about now, and my answer was still no. When I opened my eyes, he had been sticking me with a needle. I didn't feel a thing. I think right about then is when the panic set in, because the heart monitor started to go crazy and my pulse rate almost doubled.

I was so thirsty, but they would not give me anything to drink. My mouth was dry. I was quickly whisked off to the MRI machine for them to take pictures of my shoulder and arm where the surgery took place to see if there may have been an accidental cut. STOP! Did the doctor just say accidental cut? What is an accidental cut?

The nurses kept asking me to relax because the heart monitor and the little machine that measures your pulse rate was going crazy and beeping. I looked at the nurse and said, my bread and butter comes from having two working arms, and you want me to relax? Next thing I knew they pushed some medication in my IV and well, let's just say, relaxed is what I became...

They completed an MRI and then moved me back to the recovery room. This is where the bad news came. My out patient surgery had just become an overnight stay. Now if I was at the Four Seasons, I may not have complained as much, but have you been to a hospital lately? YIKES! And I am still not sure why they like your butt to hang out for the entire world to see... but...

After some more motor skills tests, I was moved into a private room on the third floor of the hospital. My mother greeted me there as I arrived. Funny how your mother knows you, she gave me a run down of all missed calls, all incoming emails, and anything she thought I might need to address immediately... She gave me my Blackberry and iPhone immediately. Thank god for understanding mothers.

I got settled into the bed and was told that once the MRI films were read, they would determine whether or not I should go back under the knife. "Back under the knife" - Really, shouldn't doctors use some better terms then under the knife... that sound like the title of a Horror movie.

I was laying in my very comfortable hospital bed, that's a joke, and this young kid walks into my room and is staring at my legs which were covered. He turned and looked at me and said, "Are you a Puffer Fish?" Now mind you, I am still a little on the groggy side of things and the question seemed a bit odd. After thinking for a brief moment, I replied, "No", "Why would you ask me that?". He put his little arms on his hips and said, "Well your legs are going up and down like a puffer fish."

I began to laugh hysterically. What I failed to realize was, they had on these wonderful devises on my legs that circulate the blood flow during and directly after surgery. So when I looked down at my legs, the blanket was increasing, and then decreasing. After regaining my composure, I pulled the blanket off my legs and showed him what was making the blanket swell up and down. Such a cute kid.

This is the wonderful leg massager's that they put on my legs to keep the blood flowing. The kid made my day by cracking a joke...

So now I had to lay and wait for the results of the MRI. I was not allowed to eat or drink because if they had to take me back to the operating room, then I would not be allowed to have had anything to eat or drink. I'm not sure if they realized that they told me the night before no food or drink, so by this time, we were 12 hours into the no drink and food rule. I was getting hungry.... and dying for a drink.

I begged the nurse for some water just to swish around in my mouth so that I could get the dryness out of my mouth. After all, they did have a tube down my throat during surgery and my throat did hurt from when they pulled it back out.

The nurse finally agreed to give me some ice chips. Now, I was thinking a nice 6oz glass of ice chips that I could slowly put into my mouth to gain some moisture. You would have thought that as well, right? Well that's not what happened, she brought me three, yes I said three little ice chips that melted the minute they hit my tongue. She was so generous; I hope she's just as kind to her husband, if she has one.

That is the end of part II, my arm is begining to hurt from typing so I am going to save the rest of the story for later today or tomorrow.

Thanks for the support! I hope you are enjoying reading my journey and it has made your day a little bit brighter.

Next post will be the continuations of the story, "Cancer Reality Sucks - Hospital Stay"

You can follow me on twitter @danelson239 or @CancerReality,

on Facebook at www.facebook.com/buscando239 and on

My Space at www.myspace.com/douglas_nelson

xoxo Douglas

Cancer Reality Sucks - Catching Up - Oct 3, 2009

Wednesday, Sept 30, 2009

Today is surgery day. I had to wake up at 4am to prepare for the trip to the hospital. I was sluggish in getting ready and my driver became impatient with me. I guess I was trying to prolong the inevitable, the surgery.

I arrived at the hospital, and of course a picture had to be taken by a staffer because everyone thought I was dressed a bit relaxed. I guess people were not use to seeing me in my piggy pajama and fluorescent green Croc's with Pig Charms. I thought I'd include the picture so you could see what the fuss was about.

Arriving at the Hospital

Once I finally arrived at the hospital, I was quickly whisked away to the operating room preparatory area when I was asked to remove all my clothes (Yikes, and it was cold) and to put on a hospital gown. Again, the gowns are always Dolce & Gabanna quality. Still not sure why they insist that your rear end hangs out the back, but, who am I to argue with the designer who came up with the hospital gown.

They hooked me up to all the necessary machines, put in an IV and began feeding sedatives into the IV. It's amazing how much better one feels once they put that needle of good stuff into the IV. And, of course, there had to be a comedian along to snap a photo of me as I was beginning to feel the affects of the anesthesia. I am going to share this picture, as unflattering as it may be, just so that you can understand the journey fully.

The unflattoring picture of pre-surgery prep

Those of you who know me, and for those who do not, catching me in public not looking flawless is something that does not occur too often. I share this picture just so that hopefully it brings a laugh to someone, or allows someone else feel more comfortable about their journey.

I'm not clear as to what occurred shortly after this picture was taken. I remember them moving me from the preparatory room down a hall. I watched the lights passing above me as I lay in the bed hearing beeps and feeling totally out of control.

I quickly arrived into a very cold room, which was full of shiny stainless steel. The pushed the gurney I was laying on next to the operating table and asked me to slide over onto the table. The nurses added two boards to the sides of the operating table and asked me to stretch my arms out onto the boards. After already having some anesthesia, I was feeling a bit humorous, so I asked the nurses if they needed some spikes, I felt as if I was being nailed to the cross.

The anesthesiologist walked over to the table and said, Good Night Mr. Nelson, as he slowly injected a syringe containing something that knocked me out instantly.

Next post will be the continuations of the story, "Cancer Reality Sucks - After the Surgery"

You can follow me on twitter @danelson239 or @CancerReality, on Facebook at www.facebook.com/buscando239 and on My Space at www.myspace.com/douglas_nelson

Untill my next post, remember my favorite quote:

Cancer Reality - September 29th

Greetings Friends,

Didn't get much sleep last night, it was a restless night. I was up early today to go to the Radiology Center to have a sonogram done to locate the exact location of the Lymph node that will be removed tomorrow morning.

Here is the sonogram photo of the lymph node that is being removed:

The tech used a sharpie to mark the spot where the surgeon is to operate. I certainly hope the sharpie does not wear off and he operates on the wrong area.

                                              

Tomorrow morning I have to be at the Hospital at 6am for the post op blood work and then the surgery will be at 6:30. I am sure it will be a long day. I will update you tomorrow after I am awake...

Thanks for following, you can follow me on Twitter @CancerReality
or @danelson239


Face Book at www.facebook.com/buscando239

Thanks for all the support!

xoxo D

Cancer Reality - Sept 28, 2009

Hello My Friends,

Today was a difficult day. Monday’s are always full of conference calls for me and getting through the day being on the phone all-day and sitting in one place is often difficult. I try stay sane by checking my Tweets.

Tomorrow I go for a sonogram in the morning. They will be marking the exact location of the lymph node under my left arm, which will be removed on Wednesday during an out patient surgery.

The lymph node that will be removed will then be sent for a biopsy to determine the type of cancer. Hopefully it will be an easily treated cancer and will not require too much chemotherapy.

As I have been discussing, I am working on trying to get some musical artist to donate the use of a song to put together a benefit CD. The title of the CD will be ‘Cancer Reality Sucks’. The proceeds from the sale of the CD would benefit those who are unable to afford the high cost of Chemotherapy and other treatments for Cancer.

The idea came to me as I sat in the waiting room of my oncologist. There was a young woman in her early thirties and her husband sitting in the waiting room crying. I had a box of tissues sitting next to me, so I got up and handed the box to them and asked if they were okay.

I quickly learned that the tears were due to the fact that the young lady had lymphoma and had no insurance. The Cancer Treatment Center was requiring them to pay for the treatments in advance as most doctors do now to ensure they are paid. They had to make a decision, do they pay the mortgage payment and keep the place they live, or do they use that money to pay for the treatment, which would keep her alive. At that point, I needed the box of tissues.

I took my seat again and could not get them out of my mind. How do we allow someone to have to make a choice of a place to live versus life?

I got out of my seat and went into the financial office of the Cancer Treatment Center and had a brief conversation with the person in charge. After my conversation, the family was called back into the office where they learned that they would be able to receive the treatments without payment.

At this point, I realized that I needed to do something. A very wise man once said, “ You must be the change you want to see in the world.” that wise man was Gandhi.

The next day I made some calls to the Lymphoma Society where I quickly learned that the funds to assist Cancer patients had been already depleted for the year and there was no more help available.

Again, this is where I realized that I needed to heed the advise of Gandhi and LEAD THE CHANGE I WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD. So despite my own battle with Cancer, I am going to put forth the effort to possibly make someone else's journey a little better.

I now ask that you share this message with everyone you know. I will continue to pursue the music industry in getting some songs donated to put together a benefit CD.

I am also working on a clothing line called “Cancer Reality”. More to come in future posts.

I hope to utilize this blog to share my journey through my second round of cancer as well as share information that I learn on treatment, prevention, and ways to help.

Please spread the word and help be part of the change I want to see in the world.

I am working on a logo for the site. I will post in a couple of days several logo’s and would love to get your opinion on which one is the best.

Until the next time… Be the Change – Work toward the Change – Pass forward the Change…

Xoxo Douglas

Canadian Team Makes Cancer Diagnostic Breakthrough

According to an article, researchers say the University of Toronto have developed a microchip that could change how cancer and infectious diseases are diagnosed. This will allow doctors to conduct quicker and less invasive testing

The new technology, created by a team of experts, can determine the type and severity of cancer someone has by assessing molecular samples on a fingertip-sized chip, which is then fed into a device about the size of a personal organizer.

“We think this is very significant,” said Shana Kelley, the lead investigator for the research and co-author of a report released Sunday in the journal Nature Nanotechnology.

“At the moment, we don’t look for as many molecular markers as we actually could when doing clinical diagnosis of things like cancer because it’s too expensive to do the analysis There are some screening tests that are available, but there could be many more if the right kind of device is available.”

She said being able to determine the severity and type of cancer is critical is developing treatment programs for patients.

The new technology can get patients on track for the necessary procedures quicker, Kelley added.

“Prostate cancer, in particular, can be very aggressive or very slow growing and it’s quite important to be able to distinguish those types,” said Kelley, a professor in the department of pharmaceutical sciences at the University of Toronto.

“With this chip, we’re able to take samples from prostate cancer patients and see which markers they have and then correlate the outputs with the severity of the disease.”

Results from the chip, which used a test field of about 10 samples for Sunday’s report, can be seen within an hour, Kelley said. More conventional means of diagnosis, such as a biopsy, can take days to determine results.

The technology has so far been used only to test existing biopsy samples, but Kelley said she hopes it will eventually allow for cancer testing that is easier on patients.

“To do non-invasive testing, you need a very sensitive device that will pick up on the very low levels of cancer cells you see circulating in urine and blood and sites outside the tumour, where you can find some of the same molecules,” she said.

“We attained sensitivities we think will allow us to use our devices for non-invasive testing,” she said. “We have not yet done the work with clinical samples, but that’s the next step and the sensitivities we have make that possible in principle.”

While its main focus to date is cancer diagnosis, Kelley said the microchip can also be used to diagnose and assess infectious diseases, such as HIV and H1N1.

“You can detect different types of bacteria and viruses if you know which molecules to look for,” said Kelley.

“Any type of cancer where there’s an established molecular profile, we can modify our platform so we can gear it towards whatever disease is of interest.”

The current project, led by Kelley and engineering professor Ted Sargent, has been ongoing for about three years, said Kelley, who has personally invested about 10 years into the research.

“It’s very exciting to be able to make a device like this and have it perform as well as it does with patient samples,” she said. “It gives us confidence we’ll be able to take it to the next level and get it into the clinics.”

Kelley said a five-year time frame would be a “conservative estimate” to get the device on the market.

This is amazing. Five years seems like such a long time to get it on the market, I hope that the researchers will work diligently to get it to market faster. This could save lives....

U.K. to Announce Quicker Cancer Testing

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown will unveil a plan to get patients suspected of having cancer to a specialist within seven days, sources said.


The sources told The Mirror that the plan will be announced Tuesday at the Labor Party conference in Brighton and will call for all National Health Services patients to receive diagnostic tests within a week of seeing their primary care doctor.

"If the NHS doesn't give you your tests within one week you will have the right to go to an alternative NHS or private provider," a source told the newspaper.

The Daily Telegraph said Saturday said the announcement is aimed at decreasing cancer deaths in Britain, but there are also political considerations. Sources said the plan would not go into effect until 2015 and could leave Labor vulnerable to charges the plan was aimed only at bolstering the party among voters.

This would be something amazing for us in the United States. In 2007 when they first diagnosed my cancer, it took three months for them to test the Lymphnode before determining a course of treatment. The Lyphnode they removed from my neck traveled from Florida, to Texas, to Boston Mass, and then back to Florida for a three month time frame before my treatment started.

Who says we don't need health care reform?

August 20th, 2009

So, I am finally in a room at the hospital, and thought that I was going to sleep. I am unsure what the logic is on the nurse coming into the room every 30 minutes, turning on the overhead light and asking me if I am sleeping. What did she think I was doing, baking a cake, making a grocery list, completing the NY Times puzzle? Of course, I WAS, sleeping untill she flipped the light on and scared the be-geezus out of me.

After she left the room, angry I am sure from my scoulding, I took two xanix which I snuck in to the hospital in my backpack and finally went to sleep.

At 4am a nurse flips on the light and says "Lab's". I was dazed a bit and slowly opened up my eyes. I am not sure where she got her training, but she was not able to hit a vein to save her life. She took a few vials of blood and then I was back to sleep. I think the nurse on the floor that night was scared, because she never did return to see if I was sleeping.

The next three days were more torture with more blood drawn and lack of a nurse when one was needed. Hospital care is far below standard and I do not look forward to having another stay anytime soon.

Sunday the 20th, I was released from the hospital and able to return home to my own bed, my piles of emails, and all social network sites behind and in need of updating... does the ever ending road come to an end? Guess only time will tell...

xoxo D

August 18,2009

It's been a few days since I have been able to make an entry. On Thursday morning, Sept 17th, I woke up with a fever and a rash covering my body. I debated for a few hours as to whether or not I should go to the emergency room or just wait and see. Well when the temperature hit 102.9, I made the decision that the hospital was probably the best bet. So I packed a few things and off to the emergency room I went, parents in toe.

I arrived at the emergency room and the woman at the entrance was a bit rude, as if I should have been surprised. She tossed a mask at me and told me to put on the mask. My mother started to explain the situation for me because I was feeling ill and needed to sit down.

I waited about an hour before they called me into the back so that they could examine me. I was there for a high fever and an unexplained rash, I'm not sure that I was speaking English because it took a good 6 hours for them to finally take a look at the rash. The nurse who put in the IV butchered me while trying to put the IV in. I am not sure if she was brand-new or just an idiot, but I could have done a better job. I have a 3/4" main vein in my right arm that would be a drug users dream vein. How she kept missing it is beyond me.

They ran some blood work, took a chest x-ray (not sure what that had to do with the fever or the rash, but hey, who was I to argue, our health care system at work) and then did an abdominal scan. Boy do I love the taste of the contrast that they have you drink.

Finally at 11:30pm the nurse came in and said that they did not have any answers to what was causing the fever or the rash, so they were going to admit me into the hospital.

At 1:45am, I was finally moved from the ER to a private room. At this point, I was exhausted, poked, prodded, and touched by more hands than I really desired. Sleep was all I was looking for....

to be continued....

Sept 16, 2009

I was finally able to get a few hours sleep last night with the help of a friend, xanix. My mind seems to wander on to what "if" and can't seem to stop getting that out of my mind. I have been having images of what it would be like not to wake up. Would anyone really notice I was gone? Would they miss me? What would I be remembered for? Strange how we as humans think in that capacity.

I have a long day today. Must get myself motivated and moving.

Hopefully, I'll have energy at the end of the day to tell you more...

xoxo D

Reality Check - Cancer SUCKS!

Today starts a new day for me; I am going to share my Reality of Cancer with you. As I undergo this journey a second time, I will share the experience and hope that it will help someone else who is also traveling this painful and unforgettable journey.


In Oct of 2007, I was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. It could not be a normal lymphoma; I had to have a rare B Cell Lymphoma. For three months the lymphnode, which was removed from my left neck, was flown from Florida, to Texas, to Boston, and then back to Florida. Determining a course of treatment was difficult.

Finally in Feb of 2008, my oncologist said they had found a chemical combination that was shrinking the cancer and could possibly put the cancer into remission. I happily agreed to the treatment and for eight months I went through what I would consider to be hell on earth.

By October of 2008, the cancer had begun remission and by Christmas of 2008 I was celebrating the fact that I was in remission. I was still not able to function an entire day, but I was celebrating that I did not have to have the treatments.

In August 2009, I went for a follow up PET Scan to ensure that I was still in remission and there were no signs of the Cancer returning.

On Sept 10th at 2:33pm, I received the news, "IT'S BACK!" I will not forget those words or the time of day. You cannot begin to imagine what was going through my mind at that time.

I have a biopsy scheduled for the 22nd of Sept to determine what type of Cancer I have... will it be the same? Will it be another strand? Will this be treatable? How will I make it through?

I will keep you posted as I travel this journey. Today, I will mourn the loss of a great actor and entertainer who loosed his battle to Cancer. Patrick Swayze was a remarkable entertainer. Visit my other blog, www.TheRamblingsofDouglas.blogspot.com to read more...and you can follow me on twitter at @CancerReality


Until next time,

Cancer Reality SUCKS!
xoxo D