Darkness and no Light

The sun begins to rise and I can feel the warmth of the sun coming through the window and touching my face. I slowly open my eyes to face another day. I ask myself, will this be the day that all will end? Will this be the day “Being the Change” will take off and more and more people will be able to pass on the good deeds to encourage the “Change” needed in the world today.

I feel over powered with sadness and darkness. Each day seems to become a bit darker and lonelier. I wonder when the pain will end, when will the tears stop falling down my checks. When will I be able to look in the mirror again and see the person I am meant to be?

How do we get the world to “Change”? I fight each day to stay alive, yet I pass on my message as if there is nothing wrong with me. How do I make the pain go away? What will it take to get my life from darkness to light? No one can feel my pain or sadness.

How can I lead the “Change” if I am lost myself? Where will I go from here?

Darkness.... No light!

It's been awhile since I have made an entry in my blog. The sadness and darkness have taken over my life and sadness has set it. I find that it's harder to wake up and to face the day. When will it end? How can this be my life? Where did I go wrong? What did I do to be in this place, so dark, so lonely, so scarey....

I work hard to "Be the Change" and to encourage the change, but how can I do that when I am not feeling like there is a future for me... the end is near. How do I make it come sooner than later.

Noone know's my pain, or the sadness I feel. I'm alone walking through the motions of a life that feels like it is not mine. How did I get here, how do I get out of here... ?

I leave you with one last thought. It's up to you to "Be the Change". If everyone did one kind deed each day, the world would begin to the the "Change" which is so despearately needed.

For now, I leave you, not sure if this will be my last entry or if I will have the strength to continue... Happiness and Hope has seem to been lost.

I ask one favor of all of those who read this... Work toward "Being the Change". If each person passes this on and works toward "Change" the world will become the place we need it to be....

xoxo Douglas

ABC's Brothers & Sister's add's storyline of Lymphoma

One of my favoriate Sunday Evening show's on ABC has written into the storyline that a main character currently has Lymphoma. I have included a clip of when the news was delivered to Kitty. This was a true picture of what it feel's like when the news is delivered... You can watch the entire epsisode at Breaking the News, it was a touching episode.

xoxo Douglas

You can follow me on twitter @danelson239 or @CancerReality, on Facebook at www.facebook.com/buscando239 and on My Space at www.myspace.com/douglas_nelson

"Cancer Reality Sucks - Hospital Stay"

As I laid in the recovery room waiting for the MRI results I could feel myself drifting off to sleep.

A few minutes later the neurologist came over to my bed and said that they did not see anything on the MRI that could explain the numbness and lack of mobility of my arm. So instead of me going home, they decided to admit me to the hospital so that they could monitor my arm and see if I started to gain use of my left arm.

I immediately called the nurse over and said, “HEY, I am being admitted, think you could bring me a CUP of ice chips, a CUP of water, or anything to drink?” She gave me an odd look and replied, “okay”.

It only took about half an hour for them to get me admitted to the hospital and up to a room. I was able to settle in quickly and get another pain pill to ease the pain.

I decided to make my own makeshift stress ball to work on my left arm and try to regain some feeling back. I took a rubber glove and stuffed a washcloth inside.

I began squeezing it as much as I could to try to get the feeling and mobility back in the arm. As I worked at it, I was beginning to regain feeling in my upper arm and was able to grip the makeshift stress ball. I kept at it for hours, knowing that I was not going to stay in the hospital more than one night…

I got no lunch because I missed the lunch delivery, and for some reason, no dinner was ordered for me. Thankfully, my mother was on hand to run and fetch me something to eat.


The rest of the night was uneventful; the highlight of the night was watching the clock for the four hours to pass till the next pill would come for the pain.

I went to sleep early in a hope to get the day over so that tomorrow would come and I could go home. The next morning the neurologist came in and they did some testing of my reflexes on my arm. I had improved some, but only about 50%. They did however decide to discharge me with a follow-up in a week.

I was elated to hear those words, but unfortunately, since the surgeon was the admitting doctor, I had to wait for him to come in to discharge me. I made several calls to his office as well as did the nurse to help expedite my discharge.

At 2pm, the surgeon came in and said that he would fill out the discharge paperwork. I was extremely excited to hear those words. I think I was packed up in about 5 minutes and ready to leave.

I left the hospital quickly and returned home to rest…

Until next time, thanks for following along... Thanks for the support! I hope you are enjoying reading my journey and it has made your day a little bit brighter.

You can follow me on twitter @danelson239 or @CancerReality,
on Facebook at www.facebook.com/buscando239
and on My Space at www.myspace.com/douglas_nelson

xoxo Douglas

WORLD....

"Cancer Reality Sucks - After the Surgery"

"After the Surgery"

I slowly opened my eyes to discover that I was laying in recovery. There was a lot of noise and chatter going on around me. I had a bit of difficulty focusing in on the surrounds. I could hear the nurse talking to me, but I was not sure what she was saying. The familiar sounds of the beeps were behind me. The surgeon came over to my bedside and started asking me questions. I am not sure what they were, but my response must have been funny, because he seemed to get a giggle out of what I was saying.

As I slowly regained consciousness, I remember asking for my Blackberry and iPhone. The nurse quickly denied that request. I guess it's just my first nature, as soon as I wake up; I grab my phones to check e-mail’s and phone messages.

I notice, as I was coming too that I was having difficulty with my left arm. I really couldn't feel my arm. I asked the nurse if that was common and she quickly darted off to get the doctor. They ran a few motor skills tests, which I failed miserably. The doctor asked me to close my eyes and he kept asking me, do you feel this, how about now, and my answer was still no. When I opened my eyes, he had been sticking me with a needle. I didn't feel a thing. I think right about then is when the panic set in, because the heart monitor started to go crazy and my pulse rate almost doubled.

I was so thirsty, but they would not give me anything to drink. My mouth was dry. I was quickly whisked off to the MRI machine for them to take pictures of my shoulder and arm where the surgery took place to see if there may have been an accidental cut. STOP! Did the doctor just say accidental cut? What is an accidental cut?

The nurses kept asking me to relax because the heart monitor and the little machine that measures your pulse rate was going crazy and beeping. I looked at the nurse and said, my bread and butter comes from having two working arms, and you want me to relax? Next thing I knew they pushed some medication in my IV and well, let's just say, relaxed is what I became...

They completed an MRI and then moved me back to the recovery room. This is where the bad news came. My out patient surgery had just become an overnight stay. Now if I was at the Four Seasons, I may not have complained as much, but have you been to a hospital lately? YIKES! And I am still not sure why they like your butt to hang out for the entire world to see... but...

After some more motor skills tests, I was moved into a private room on the third floor of the hospital. My mother greeted me there as I arrived. Funny how your mother knows you, she gave me a run down of all missed calls, all incoming emails, and anything she thought I might need to address immediately... She gave me my Blackberry and iPhone immediately. Thank god for understanding mothers.

I got settled into the bed and was told that once the MRI films were read, they would determine whether or not I should go back under the knife. "Back under the knife" - Really, shouldn't doctors use some better terms then under the knife... that sound like the title of a Horror movie.

I was laying in my very comfortable hospital bed, that's a joke, and this young kid walks into my room and is staring at my legs which were covered. He turned and looked at me and said, "Are you a Puffer Fish?" Now mind you, I am still a little on the groggy side of things and the question seemed a bit odd. After thinking for a brief moment, I replied, "No", "Why would you ask me that?". He put his little arms on his hips and said, "Well your legs are going up and down like a puffer fish."

I began to laugh hysterically. What I failed to realize was, they had on these wonderful devises on my legs that circulate the blood flow during and directly after surgery. So when I looked down at my legs, the blanket was increasing, and then decreasing. After regaining my composure, I pulled the blanket off my legs and showed him what was making the blanket swell up and down. Such a cute kid.

This is the wonderful leg massager's that they put on my legs to keep the blood flowing. The kid made my day by cracking a joke...

So now I had to lay and wait for the results of the MRI. I was not allowed to eat or drink because if they had to take me back to the operating room, then I would not be allowed to have had anything to eat or drink. I'm not sure if they realized that they told me the night before no food or drink, so by this time, we were 12 hours into the no drink and food rule. I was getting hungry.... and dying for a drink.

I begged the nurse for some water just to swish around in my mouth so that I could get the dryness out of my mouth. After all, they did have a tube down my throat during surgery and my throat did hurt from when they pulled it back out.

The nurse finally agreed to give me some ice chips. Now, I was thinking a nice 6oz glass of ice chips that I could slowly put into my mouth to gain some moisture. You would have thought that as well, right? Well that's not what happened, she brought me three, yes I said three little ice chips that melted the minute they hit my tongue. She was so generous; I hope she's just as kind to her husband, if she has one.

That is the end of part II, my arm is begining to hurt from typing so I am going to save the rest of the story for later today or tomorrow.

Thanks for the support! I hope you are enjoying reading my journey and it has made your day a little bit brighter.

Next post will be the continuations of the story, "Cancer Reality Sucks - Hospital Stay"

You can follow me on twitter @danelson239 or @CancerReality,

on Facebook at www.facebook.com/buscando239 and on

My Space at www.myspace.com/douglas_nelson

xoxo Douglas

Cancer Reality Sucks - Catching Up - Oct 3, 2009

Wednesday, Sept 30, 2009

Today is surgery day. I had to wake up at 4am to prepare for the trip to the hospital. I was sluggish in getting ready and my driver became impatient with me. I guess I was trying to prolong the inevitable, the surgery.

I arrived at the hospital, and of course a picture had to be taken by a staffer because everyone thought I was dressed a bit relaxed. I guess people were not use to seeing me in my piggy pajama and fluorescent green Croc's with Pig Charms. I thought I'd include the picture so you could see what the fuss was about.

Arriving at the Hospital

Once I finally arrived at the hospital, I was quickly whisked away to the operating room preparatory area when I was asked to remove all my clothes (Yikes, and it was cold) and to put on a hospital gown. Again, the gowns are always Dolce & Gabanna quality. Still not sure why they insist that your rear end hangs out the back, but, who am I to argue with the designer who came up with the hospital gown.

They hooked me up to all the necessary machines, put in an IV and began feeding sedatives into the IV. It's amazing how much better one feels once they put that needle of good stuff into the IV. And, of course, there had to be a comedian along to snap a photo of me as I was beginning to feel the affects of the anesthesia. I am going to share this picture, as unflattering as it may be, just so that you can understand the journey fully.

The unflattoring picture of pre-surgery prep

Those of you who know me, and for those who do not, catching me in public not looking flawless is something that does not occur too often. I share this picture just so that hopefully it brings a laugh to someone, or allows someone else feel more comfortable about their journey.

I'm not clear as to what occurred shortly after this picture was taken. I remember them moving me from the preparatory room down a hall. I watched the lights passing above me as I lay in the bed hearing beeps and feeling totally out of control.

I quickly arrived into a very cold room, which was full of shiny stainless steel. The pushed the gurney I was laying on next to the operating table and asked me to slide over onto the table. The nurses added two boards to the sides of the operating table and asked me to stretch my arms out onto the boards. After already having some anesthesia, I was feeling a bit humorous, so I asked the nurses if they needed some spikes, I felt as if I was being nailed to the cross.

The anesthesiologist walked over to the table and said, Good Night Mr. Nelson, as he slowly injected a syringe containing something that knocked me out instantly.

Next post will be the continuations of the story, "Cancer Reality Sucks - After the Surgery"

You can follow me on twitter @danelson239 or @CancerReality, on Facebook at www.facebook.com/buscando239 and on My Space at www.myspace.com/douglas_nelson

Untill my next post, remember my favorite quote: